Why do people say the phrase 'I lost them' when someone passes away? You didn't loose them down the back of the fruit and veg aisle did you?!
Such a weird phrase to label it when someone dies.
But here I am writing a blog post on 'losing you' so. Fuck it.
The pain that surged through me when I saw you take your last breath and I felt your fingers slowly release grip with my hand was similar to my skin being ripped from the quick of your nail and being peeled back snapping tendons and veins by virtuously plucking them out one by one. Exposing my raw flesh to the agonising emotion of my heart freezing and crystallising over then shattering into a million shards all over the hospital floor as I screamed with every natural instinct within me for you to stay and 'don't leave me'. The sound that came from within me was like a roar, a real earthy sound that escaped my chest trying to pull her beautiful soul back down to earth before she was taken so cruelly from me. Please don't leave me.
Because. Fuck. How would I know how to live without you when you were my oxygen.
Without you. I cannot breathe.
Deaths are horrific whether they are sudden or slow, they are painful moments that we all have to endeavour in our lives.
Seeing my glamorous, funny and loving mum go from a walking talking sunshine to somebody who could barely breathe for herself fucking broke me. Shit. It would break a lot of people.
There's nothing I wouldn't have done for that woman, but at the same time I feel like I didn't do enough.
Losing you meant one less smile at my graduation,
One less 'good morning' and so I now wake up and can barely dress myself for the day.
One less encapsulating hug so filled with love that even the darkest of days start to seem bright again.
One less hand to squeeze when I'm scared of going into hospital for the sixth time this year because I'm getting worse.
One less 'I'm proud of you' that makes my struggles seem worth it.
One less 'I love you' that is all I need to hear to drag myself back up off the wet muddy floor I'm laying in because I can't bare the sight of the world without you in it.
Nothing is beautiful without you in it.
And I know some people may think I'm being melodramatic but when you lose somebody who you were so close to. And you spoke to them everyday and saw them everyday so much so that they were practically an extra limb attached to you. That when they're gone you yourself feel LOST.
For days after I didn't know what to do so I just stared at the wall in my room with tears falling down my cheeks hoping that you would appear happy and healthy saying this was all some kind of sick joke and that will teach me for having such a warped sense of humour.
But it wasn't.
And the only thing I was ever afraid of growing up... was loosing you.
I used to have nightmares about loosing you.
Panic attacks about loosing you.
And then I reassured myself and said I'd go before you so I'd never experience the pain but my god you beat me to the punch as though it were a race on who wouldn't get heartbroken first.
Your heart is still intact. Waiting to wrap its arms around me when I see you again.
My biggest fear.
Now I have nothing left to lose.
Nothing left to fear.
Don't fuck with someone who has these qualities.
They literally couldn't give a shit anymore.
See what people don't get was...
She was my light in the darkest of times who pulled up out of the well I sat in and encouraged me to be the best version of myself.
So why didn't I tell her I loved her a thousand times over whilst she was sat on the floor crying to me about how she wasn't beautiful with a fist full of hair that had fallen out from her gorgeous head.
Why didn't I tell her she was more beautiful than ever.
Why didn't I tell her that she was the greatest woman to ever live and that I was so thankful she was my mum and was in my life... whilst she looked me in the eyes with tear filled lids saying 'I'm a burden to you, I wish this would all hurry up'
No mum no.
You were never a burden.
You cared for me all these years so now I'm caring for you.
But why didn't I tell her that she was my sunshine?
Why didn't I tell her?
And why didn't I tell her I was proud of her for fighting for so long, and that if I could ever fight as hard as her and become even an inch like her vibrant persona then I would be the luckiest girl in the world to accept these traits from a gracious goddess.
Instead I just looked at her in the eyes whilst she turned to me an hour before she passed saying 'I'm tired now nicky, I'm so tired'
And I know you weren't telling me you wanted to sleep.
You were telling me you were tired of the fight.
And I don't blame you baby girl.
I don't blame you.
In my eyes you won my little superstar. You bloody won my girl.
You are a chanpion.
And there's no other hero like you.
The only thing that keeps me going in a world without my rock is knowing that every day that passes is a day closer to seeing my angel again.
For anybody else that has experienced loss of a loved one you will feel my pain whilst reading this.
And although this is my own account... I'm happy to speak to anybody about loss who just wants to vent or scream or cry.
This was a long one but I needed to put words to paper.
Until next time